Are you tired of maintaining a pretense of civility with your mother-in-law?
Do you feel a burning need to convey how much you truly despise her?
Are you prepared to sever all ties with her and possibly incur the wrath of your spouse in the process?
If you've answered yes to all three of these questions, then allow the form letter below to guide you in burning this bridge. Feel free to personalize it to your own specifications.
Dear Depraved Harpy,
I believe the time has finally come for me to address certain key criticisms about me you feel at liberty to incessantly whine, dribble and moan about. Your rather scathing and unsubstantiated accusations regarding my parenting skills and your unsolicited marital advice have been duly noted and will be the focus of this correspondence. I'm presenting my views in writing because I wish to illustrate that you're dealing with a rational, intelligent person and not some inarticulate, knuckle dragging brute (as you are prone to think of men in general, you man-hating, testicle-cutting troll).
To begin, allow me to commend you on your own child rearing abilities. Instilling such a spirit of independence in your children thus paving the way for them to live as far away as humanly possible from you is certainly something to be proud of. I'm certain their decisions to keep their distance from you had nothing to do with the fact that you're an obstinate, overbearing, pedantic, manipulating premadonna with a martyr complex. In regards to my own parenting skills, I can only admit that I am by no means perfect. I possess numerous flaws and eccentricities that can be considered by many to be a bit unorthodox. However, I have it on good authority that you were no paradigm of exemplary motherhood yourself. Evidently, you were as effective as a parent as FEMA was at disaster relief.
As far as my marriage to your daughter is concerned, I'll thank you to stay out of it, okay Dr Phil? I don't consider marital advice from someone who hasn't had an orgasm since the Ford administration to be particularly helpful. The lifeless expression on your husband's face, his mirthless demeanor, and inability to express independent thought or offer opinions that conflict with your own, are indicative of a man counting the minutes to his death, not one that's reveling in the throes of marital bliss. Just because you effectively neutered your husband doesn't mean your daughter should follow your example.
A few final points:
I believe you to be slightly less intelligent than the stupidest person alive. The fact you walk upright is the only indication that you are a higher primate.
Your opinions are as worthless as a Florida voting booth.
You're a warped, malicious little shrew of a woman whose only joy in life is fucking with people. If there is indeed a hell, it was created just for you and Hitler.
I hope reading this gives you acid reflux or another comparable gastric disorder.
Sincerely,
xxxx
