A Man's Castle

I've always considered myself a patriot of sorts, not in the most sentimental fashion perhaps but I've always maintained the belief that despite its many flaws I'd rather live in the good 'ol U.S. of A than in some famine ridden, warlord governed, ethnic cleansing, female circumcising third world turd pile or anywhere in France. "Life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness" are the ideals I find most appealing about the vision the founding fathers had about the republic they were forming. Those simple yet broad concepts form the basis of our national identity. Those ideals are violated when the government is given the legal right to seize an American's home, knock it down and build a strip mall for the so-called betterment of the community. There is no doubt that a few more minimum wage jobs are created by opening yet another godforsaken Starbucks but the real payday is reserved for the corporate swine and political succubi who cut the deal to build it. I don't own a home yet, but I will one day. When that day comes, anyone looking to seize it better bring a lot of ammo, I sure won't be hurting for any.

The Beautiful People

There is a fundamental flaw of the penis enlargement industry I feel I must address. My need to discuss this matter is in no way indicative of my need for such products, I'm hung like a rodeo bull and have often been called upon to put out small forrest fires. That being said, the flaw I wish to discuss relates to the rather misleading marketing employed by the industry as a whole. Their advertising implies that a larger penis will instantly attract the opposite sex. This irresponsible claim is made without ever taking into account the plight of butt ugly men. We all know the type; Generally rotund or disturbingly skeletal, profusely perspiring, bad breath, crooked brown-stained overbite, pock-marks, runny-nose, comb-over, reeking of something unidentifiable(something between boiled cabbage and ass) and sporting a ketchup stained Sea Quest T-shirt. Fat lot of good an enormous schlonger is going to do for that poor cretin. A fat joint and a Brad Pitt mask would help him out much more than a penis pump would.

How To State The Obvious

A headline from today's BBC News:

Jackson 'to change his lifestyle'

Michael Jackson's lawyer said the singer will no longer share his bed with young boys, after the star was cleared of 10 child abuse charges.

Sheer genius! I believe O.J. Simpson reached a similar epiphany a few years back when he decided it's inappropriate to eviscerate and decapitate people. It's unfortunate Jackson's moment of clarity came about only as a result of the threat of repeated prison yard beatings and shower room gang rape.

More Drinking, Less Talking

My wife recently emailed me this article:

Secret to wedded bliss - saying sorry

British couple holds record for longest marriage at 80 years

LONDON - A British couple -- the record holders for the world's longest marriage - said on Tuesday their success was down to a glass of whisky, a glass of sherry and the word "sorry."

I can see the value of a few stiff drinks throughout an 80 year run of marriage. Living with anybody in close quarters for a prolonged period of time, dealing with his/her often annoying idiosyncrasies requires a substantial amount of patience and detachment that all too often only the mercifully numbing effects of alcohol can achieve. However, I don't put as much stock into the use of the word sorry as a sure fire method of conflict resolution. I can state several instances in which saying "I'm sorry" simply won't do:

"Our son is 13 now, I didn't see the harm in taking him to a strip club. I'm sorry."

"She's not a chiropractor exactly, she's more of a sensual masseuse. I'm sorry."

"I never did get your brakes fixed, I spent the money on that Samurai sword set. I'm sorry."

"She's taking a human sexuality course and needed visual aid. I'm sorry."

"No, I meant the good kind of fat, like on your ass. I'm sorry."