Priorities

Activist #1: "Hemp and marijuana are gifts from nature meant for the benefit of mankind. Humanity has found scores of practical uses for hemp since prehistory. Hemp rope is the strongest you'll ever find, clothing made of hemp lasts forever, hemp seed oil is a much healthier alternative to regular cooking oils. Marijuana has been recognized by countless cultures as a medicinal plant. It brings relief to so many people suffering from chronic pain, the terminally ill and is a proven treatment for glaucoma."

Activist #2: "Yea, and a blunt left in a bottle of tequila overnight and put into the microwave to dry out gets you righteously fucked up!"

Idiosyncrasies

Julio: "Damn yo, what the fuck? Fuckin' commercials, man!"

Hector: "Chill, man. TV got commercials, what you gonna' do? Why you buggin'?"

Julio: "'Cause I'm fuckin' starvin' like a muthafucka', man. What's this, like the tenth commercial in a row now?"

Hector: "Who gives a fuck? Just eat, your fuckin' sammich."

Julio: "I can't, yo.

Hector: "Why the fuck not?"

Julio: "'Cause I had this sammich lined up specifically for Showtime At The Apollo."

Hector: "Well, that's what's on, dumbshit!"

Julio: "No it aint, fuckwad! The muthafuckin' commercials are on, I can't eat when the muthafuckin' commercials are on!

Hector: "Get the fuck outta' here! You can't eat when the commercials are on? What else, you can't shit unless the volume's turned up?"

Julio: "Who the fuck told you?"

That's Entertainment

I was always fascinated by the Faces Of Death video series. They appealed greatly to the morbidly curious side of my personality. I seem to satisfy some gnawing psychological need to revel in the macabre by viewing vile scenes of carnage and depravity. That being said, I move on to the topic of my fascination with the reality show, Strange Love. I equate observing Flava Flave and Brigitte Nielson expressing affection for one another with viewing police photos of a particularly gruesome murder scene. They're utterly repulsive to look at and inspire nausea but you find yourself unable to take your eyes off them. The same way most people slow down on the highway to catch a fleeting glimpse of the flame engulfed SUV with the trapped soccer mom inside, I took the time out of my life to watch those two mutants engage in their perverse courtship rituals. Granted, I kept a puke bucket at the ready in the event I saw either of them in a state of undress or engaged in heavy petting, but I nevertheless made it my business to witness their interaction. The truly sick thing is that I was actually entertained by it. I've never felt so intellectually bankrupt in all my life. I really need to read more.

The Best Closer Gets The Steak Knives

A headline from today's USA Today.com:

Army, Marine Recruiters Shift Focus To Wary Parents

So it turns out that the current crop of adolescent cannon fodder slated to be tossed into the Iraqi meat grinder isn't as stupid as the armed services expected them to be. Army and Marine Corps recruitment is dropping at the same rate as Dubya's IQ. Go figure. As a last ditch effort to get their numbers up, the military has marketing plans in effect to entice parents into coercing their children into jumping headfirst into Hell's sphincter.

I can already see the catchy slogans:

"Parents eligible for one free health club visit for each child killed in action."

"An M-16 or a bong. You make the call."

"She can't get pregnant in a foxhole."

"You couldn't hack the Army, maybe your boy can."

"You had 'Nam, now let the youngsters have some fun."

"Your child may be eligible for a limited edition, George W. Bush commemorative autographed prosthetic limb."