Don't Squeeze The Koran

I along with most of the Muslim world am appalled at the alleged mishandling of the Koran by U.S. military prison guards. I find the very notion of flushing the Koran down a toilet for the purpose of demoralizing Muslim prisoners to be abhorrent. It is a reckless and insensitive act. The Koran is a fairly large text, such a substantial amount of paper would wreak absolute havoc upon the entire prison's plumbing system. Cuba is no place to reside without proper bathroom facilities. Oh yeah, and the Koran is holy too. It's not cool to desecrate something that someone else values as a sacred symbol of who and what they are. It's not as if there are Muslims who condone and encourage the burning of American flags...Uhhhh...well, unless they're really mad at us at the time or they're celebrating a holiday.

And A Zippo For The Arsonist

A headline from the Associated Press:

N.Y. Audit: Sex Offenders Getting Viagra

ALBANY, N.Y. - Scores of convicted rapists and other high-risk sex offenders in New York have been getting Viagra paid by Medicaid for the last five years, the state's comptroller said Sunday.

The Viagra For Sex Offenders Project is but one of a slew of new programs developed by the New York State Department of Corrections designed to improve the quality of life and morale of its prison population. Other examples include:

Sodomy Sunday - Male bonding at its finest. Nothing takes the edge off a long prison term like one full day per week of officially sanctioned sexual deviancy. Let's put that free Viagra to good use.

Project Couch Potato - A 52 inch surround sound plasma television in every cell practically guarantees a content and pacified inmate.

Spago Night - One night a week each inmate is served a seven course gourmet meal prepared by Wolfgang Puck.

Project Chronic - Each cell block is equipped with its own hydroponic marijuana growing room. Based upon the success of this project, others like it involving the production and free distribution of more potent narcotics will be implemented in the future.

Don't Tread On Me

I'm detecting the evolution of an unsettling reality TV show theme. Smug, condescending, abusive Brits have suddenly become all the rage. Apparently, Simon Cowell's verbal sadism simply isn't enough for the American viewing public. One of the more popular shows at the moment follows a pair of pompous, crumpet-stuffed crones as they tactlessly admonish the housekeeping skills of the hapless schmuck who's invited them into his/her home. On another show, retired malapert English nannys are counseling disfunctional families and solving all their problems within a neat, one-hour time slot. I recently saw a commercial for a cooking show in which a deranged limey chef berates, bullies and browbeats a number of fledgling gourmets. This trend must die. I'm willing to tolerate a homespun American boor like Judge Judy but I'll be damned if I'll accept the revilement of people whose idea of fine cuisine is something boiled.

Here's an idea for a reality show with a British theme:

The Weakest Cranium: Each week, baseball pitchers Randy Johnson and Roger Clemens take turns hurling day-old scones aimed at the heads of drunken English soccer hooligans at speeds upwards of 90 mph. The last hooligan to pass out is awarded with one free visit to a dental hygienist.

Still Stupid After All These Years

A headline from today's Newsday.com:

Rocker: I'm like Jackie, Hank

I'm reasonably certain there are a few people left in the world who still aren't entirely convinced that baseball pitcher John Rocker is a colossal putz. His recent comments should ensure a substantial drop in that tiny demographic.

In an interview last week Rocker was quoted as saying, "I know Hank [Aaron] and Jackie [Robinson] took a good deal of crap, but I guarantee it wasn't for six years. I just keep thinking: 'How much am I supposed to take?'"

Gee, I don't know. Live in fear due to constant death threats perhaps? Juggle endless bags of hate mail? Sit silently in the dugout as opposing teams threaten to boycott your games? Maintain the appearance that words like nigger, coon, darkie, junglebunny and porchmonkey simply roll off your back? Accept the fact that undercover federal agents are required to protect your child in school? That was the kind of crap Robinson and Aaron were expected to take. They took it and then some, you haven't even come close and never will.

Rocker made it his business to spew his ignorant drivel to the press, made an ass of himself and now can't take the stinging backlash generated from his racist and sexist remarks. Tough shit junior, live with it. At least you didn't have to sit in the back of the 7 train with the spics, niggers and fags.

Make Room For Sadaam

A headline from today's BBC News World Edition:

"Hitler's nurse' breaks silence - A survivor of Adolf Hitler's wartime bunker in Berlin has been tracked down, a German newspaper claims."

Isn't it safe to say that the entire world knows about as much about Hitler as we really need to know? What more could possibly be said about the guy that isn't already an answer on Jeopardy? He possessed a third nipple? He did a killer Mae West impression? His one working testicle hung to his kneecaps? He had survived for centuries feeding off the blood of the living and continues to live among us a wealthy socialite? Who cares? I officially declare Hitler's fifteen minutes of fame to be over! He's gotten enough mileage out of the whole maniacal iron-fisted despot/demonic instrument of genocide trip. Same goes for Stalin too, if he's listening.