Bring Out Your Dead

The average cost of a funeral today runs upwards of $10,000. Pretty steep considering the dearly departed is absolutely clueless as to the time, effort and financial hassle you've been put through.

Is it really worth it?

Let's face it, costly funerals and burials are overrated. Burial plots, headstones, flowers, fancy caskets, clothing and face makeup for a corpse are frivolous expenses designed for the sole purpose of profiting from your grief.

Let us offer you a better alternative.

With any corpse, the name of the game is disposal. Traditional burials and cremations are grossly overpriced and the custom of visiting the dead is at best archaic in this day and age. Left up to most people, they'd prefer to be rid of their dead and have nothing more to do with them.

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Jet Lagged, Can You Tell?

I've just returned from a super trip to New York, where I spent some quality time with close friends and family I hadn't seen in quite a long time. It's quite a trek from Alaska to New York and back. I can honestly say that the most satisfying aspect of the entire flying experience for me was the landing part. I love landing. "We Always Land" would be an encouraging ad slogan for me when selecting an airline. "We Rarely Burn" would be another good one. "We lose Baggage But We Almost Never Crash" would be okay. I'd think twice about, "Seven Or Eight Catastrophes And You're Branded For Life".

You think the name, "Buddy Holly Air lines" would boost consumer confidence? It would most likely be as successful as a "Ted Kennedy Cab Service" or "Jeffrey Dahmer - Wholesale Frozen Meats".

Not Too Deep Thoughts

I wonder what demented freak took it upon himself to discover for the first time that you could hallucinate from licking that frog.

The little freshness packets labeled, "Do Not Eat" bother me. I say leave off the warning and thin out the gene pool.

One New Year's Eve in the Bronx, I was stopped by a cop and asked if I had seen anyone matching the description of the person drawn on a sheet of paper he showed me. It was an artist's rendering of a guy in a ski mask. I said, "Sure, there's fifteen of him across the street drinking forties, knock yourself out."

While performing my vasectomy my doctor suddenly said, "Oops." Could there be an even more inappropriate time to say "oops" than when you're poking a guy's nuts with sharp metal instruments?

I notice psychics have been awful quiet since 9/11. Pricks.

Foot In Mouth Disease

The following alcohol-fueled gems are perfect examples of why I remained a bachelor as long as I did.

"I'm a big fan of visible panty lines. Get up, let's take a look at ya'."

"After a coupla' shots I'll barely notice your harelip."

"I lit up your smoke, the least you could do is give me your phone number."

"Can I buy you a drink?...No?...Can you buy me one?"

"I got my own room and everything, we just can't make too much noise 'cause my mom's a light sleeper."

"If you're a dyke just say so, I'm down with that."

"It's all about personality for me. You like anal?"

"Can't we get to know each other afterwards?

"I thought it would be nice to just sit here and talk with you. You know, 'cause chicks dig that shit."

"You'd make a great hooker."

Enough Already

I've been a huge fan of Superman for as long as I can remember. I've loved the character in every medium he's been presented in whether it be comic books, cartoons, movies, etc... The only thing that's ever really perturbed me about him is his weakness for Lois Lane. I don't question his emotional attachment to her, I question his judgment in associating himself with someone so accident prone. Like the guy hasn't got enough on his plate as it is just protecting the entire planet, does he really need the added distraction of Lois' penchant for obliviously walking into the most asinine life threatening situations? Whether she's dangling off some cliff, seconds away from falling into a seething volcano, hanging over a vat of boiling acid, falling into a crack in the earth, being sucked out of an airplane or stepping on a thumbtack, Superman is always there within a microsecond to save her. How the hell did she ever exist without him for crying out loud? Just once I'd love to see Lois Lane yell out for help only to have Superman completely ignore her. I can see it in my mind so plainly. She's screaming at the top of her lungs, pleading with him to save her as the elevator cable snaps and she plummets sixty stories to her doom. Meanwhile at The Fortress Of Solitude, Superman detecting her howls with his super hearing, simply sits back in his easy chair, smirks and takes another sip of Redbull and Absolute while cranking up the volume on his Girls Gone Wild video. A guy can dream can't he?

That's What I Call Style

I think Dan Rather stepped down a little too gracefully as anchor of the CBS Evening News. He deserved to go out with a bang.

"Bloggers...fucking bloggers. You cretinous, zit faced chicken shits had nothing better to do than spew your insignificant little opinions about how I do my job all over the web didn't you? Did you run out of porn to jack off to in your mama's basement or something? Why any person posessing even the most minute intellect pays any attention to your worthless drivel is beyond me. I admitted that my source gave me the wrong information about His Highness George II's Air National Guard service. Excuse the living shit out of me! Its a wonder there's any paperwork about his service at all considering how many times he actually showed up for it. That dumbshit starts a war over weapons of mass destruction that never existed and you kiss his ass, I make one little mistake reporting the news and all of a sudden I'm Adolph Fucking Eichman. Well, up yours cheesedicks! I got something for you to blog and it'll poke your fucking eye out too. Courage, bitches!"

Why Didn't I Think Of That?

A headline from today's USA Today.com:

"FBI suggests Congress ban gun sales to terrorism suspects"

Well hell, that's an idea! Let's see, I'd certainly feel safe putting terrorism suspects on the same list of deranged bottom feeders that should be denied the right to purchase a firearm. In fact, putting them at the very top of the list along with convicted felons, fugitives and convicted drug dealers would probably be the sensible thing to do, but I'm just a stickler for doing things right. Of course the NRA doesn't think so. The good 'ol NRA, that wacky collective of beer swilling, camouflage wearing, flag waving, campaign contributing, uber conservative nitwits that hunt ducks and other man-eating prey with M-60's and grenade launchers. According to the present law, being suspected of having links to a terrorist or terrorist group isn't a good enough reason to deny someone a firearm. Apparently that particular situation calls for nothing other than a more intense background check. I'm so relieved. I guess I shouldn't worry that the FBI presently destroys records of applications to purchase guns within 24 hours. Sure, 24 hours should be plenty of time to do that more intense background check. Uh-huh! The NRA of course loves this law, anything to keep them armed to the teeth and feel better about the size of their dicks. These jackasses prefer to let some terrorist psycho slip through the system and endanger the lives of American citizens simply to protect their right to hear things go BOOM. I'm by no means one of those flaming liberal candy asses that believes private ownership of firearms should be illegal. I simply believe there should be a middle ground. Yes, every responsible American citizen should be allowed to own a firearm but the key word is responsible. If you're going to own a gun, you damn well better be trained in its use and safety and if you have a problem with the government keeping track of the firearms you own, then you should be denied the right to own them. If you have nothing to hide then you shouldn't worry whether the government you support and would die to defend knows what you're packing. Keeping a record of firearm purchases for more than a 24 hour time period is not an unreasonable thing to ask for. Keeping firearms from the hands of suspected terrorists is just plain common sense.

The Outside

I wonder if Martha Stewart is having any trouble adjusting to life outside of prison. It must be hell to find just the right shade of makeup to cover up the teardrop tattoo next to her eye. The switch from Ebonics to English must be a little disorienting for her as well. I'm also certain that the desire to create decorative doilies in the shape of gang signals is a tough habit to break. Personally, I'd love to see her collection of homemade shanks.

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Let The Games Begin

In an effort to jumpstart the publishing process for my novel, I've signed a contract with a literary agency. This is the first leg of a hopefully not too long journey through a highly competitive, niche marketing maelstrom. My research has indicated that the average publisher generally shitcans unrepresented manuscripts without giving them even a most cursory glance. I for one refuse to end up in the bottom of a circular file, so I'll play the game. I of course have no guarantee that any agent will actually sell my book, I now simply rest easy in the knowledge that someone with connections in the publishing industry is relentlessly pitching it. Let's see what happens.

A Little Bitter Are We?

In light of Pope John Paul II's recent vacillating health status, I've pondered what must be going through the mind of any number of his potential successors. Think any of them may be becoming a little impatient?

"What is the fucking delay? Jesus H. Christ, the guy's at death's door one minute and the next he's sitting in his drawers eating hospital Jell-O and watching Sponge Bob. What is he, living out of spite or something? I bet they're constructing the glass bubble his head will be contained in and a brand new robotic body somewhere in Area 51 or something. 'Ladies and gentlemen, let's give a big hand to the Pope That Will Not Die!'. Shit, call the people at Guinness why dontcha'? The fucking fossil takes a bullet in the gut and recovers in what, about an hour or some shit? He went skiing that winter didn't he? Son of a bitch! It's not like I'm getting any younger you know. I'm just an eyeblink away from adult diaper usage myself over here for fuck's sake..."

Ramblings

I'm taking a trip to New York in the next few weeks. B.'s suggestions for in-flight reading material triggered a rather long winded reply.

Hey M.,

I've got a great book to recommend for your plane journeys - two actually, by the same guy, Thom Hartmann

One is "Unequal Protection - The Rise of Corporate Dominance and the Theft of Human Rights" (2002)

And

"What would Jefferson Do?" (2004)

Hartmann is very, very well researched and he puts corporatism into historical perspective starting with the Boston Tea Party, through the rise of the railroads and the use of the fourteenth amendment (originally intended to end slavery) to obtain corporate personhood, which gave Corporations the precedent to use the rest of the Bill of Rights to trample on the lives of actual people. Hartman explains this very well, he also makes proposals on how to END corporate personhood.

Then in What Would Tommy J. do? , he proceeds to talk constructively about Democracy vs. Fascism.

Both of these books are two of my favorites, and he is one of my favorite authors. He's got great style and obviously knows his stuff. I learned a lot from him, and whole heartedly recommend his work to you.

While I'm recommending books, you'd like this one too.

"When Corporations Rule the World" David C. Korten (Paperback)

This one gives you context for multi-national corporations scamming the planet, and the lurking threat posed by the "Bretton Woods Institutions" - The World Bank, The IRS and the WTO. (as well as NAFTA and GATT)

These books are marginally depressing, but very important. The Jefferson Book is the most uplifting of the 3.

B.


Hey B.,

I've always liked Jefferson. He was such a brilliant bundle of contradictions. For such a champion of human rights, it's certainly ironic that he owned slaves. Additionally, the phrase "all men are created equal" apparently didn't apply to women or any person in general not blessed with a White Anglo Saxon heritage. He was a scientist, musician, writer, scholar, chef and a true revolutionary. He was a firm believer that people should revolt against their government on a regular basis just to keep the powers that be on their toes. Pretty radical, though perhaps a tad too extremist. His eloquence was artistic. I happen to think that the Declaration Of Independence is one of the most beautifully written documents ever produced. Lincoln's Gettysburg address runs along those lines as well. I often think that as truly ass-backwards and open to corruption our system of government can be, we're still lucky to have the one we have. It's an experiment that has worked pretty well. I find it amazing how a bickering pack of intellectuals, business men, farmers and a criminal or two managed to hash out a system of government that has actually thrived. It's had its challenges along the way and still does but it always seems to bounce back. I'm trying hard to be optimistic in the face of our current presidential administration and the nitwitted decisions it's made thus far. I keep reminding myself that the system works and nimrods need not stay in power for long. It was set up specifically to give the nimrods a turn at bat and then sending them on their merry way when their time is up.

As far as corporate domination is concerned, the future should prove very interesting. Not that there isn't a degree of corporate manipulation of society right now (mostly through the mainstream media), the question is how long will it be tolerated. Is business going to gobble up government by infiltrating it so thoroughly and guiding its actions, thus eventually becoming the government? I don't know. Do I think it can happen? Sure, but only if we allow it as a society. Are we going to continue walking around blindly, content with owning all the trappings and status symbols so dutifully provided to us by the corporate marketing gurus? Are we going to continue to give our time our talent, our lives to meet the financial goals of our corporate employers and further empower them only to receive the lowest percentage of their profits for our efforts? As a society of free thinking people are we going to finally all get fed up? Hell, I hope so.

You're right, the other two books would probably depress the hell out of me, Jefferson is a better bet. However, when flying I prefer escapist entertainment. I'm going to bring along "Wiseguys" by Nicholas Pileggi. Sordid tales of brutal Mafia slayings tend to relax me during flights.

M.

I Got Your Reality Right Here

I can't resist mocking the reality series trend that I hope will soon come to its well-deserved demise. Here are a few of my ideas for reality shows that may expedite the process.

PUNK THIS - Every week the viewing audience is entertained by hidden camera footage of Ashton Kutcher receiving a totally unexpected, merciless beating by a different gangster rapper and his posse of bodyguards, which will serve as a warning to never punk them.

CELEBRITY ATTITUDE ADJUSTMENT CAMP - Teams of arrogant, overbearing, premadonna celebrities are berated, bullied and humiliated by Marine Corps drill instructors. The last team to crack under the pressure is rewarded by a totally unexpected, merciless beating by a gangster rapper and his posse of bodyguards.

AMERICAN PIMP-SMACK - Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown are locked away together for one month in a sterile room with no access whatsoever to any legal or illicit drugs. The viewing audience calls in their vote predicting how many times a tweaking Bobby will pimp-smack an equally tweaking Whitney throughout a given show.

MIME SKEET-SHOOTING - This show requires no explanation.

POSTAL - A disgruntled postal employee, deemed mentally incompetent is sent to six weeks of U.S. Army Ranger training, issued a bulletproof Hummer, a cache of small weapons and explosives and is then released to report back to work.

QUEER EYE FOR THE SKINHEAD - Imagine the frolics that will ensue when an unsuspecting Skinhead is informed by a gay man that he's in need of a make-over.

Beats The Hell Out Of Gigli

Absurd musings will also be a big part of this blog as my sample resignation letter proves. Along those lines, I present another meeting of the minds with my good friend B.


Hey, M.,

Imagine if you will a buddy flick called "Nutjobs" starring Gary Busey and Nick Nolte as escaped mental patients driving across country wreaking harmless but peculiar havoc on unsuspecting locals

Hey B.,

That's a brilliant premise in that it wouldn't require much of an acting stretch on the part of either actor.

How about a love story involving a gay klingon introducing his life partner to his parents for the first time entitled, "Guess Who's Coming For Gaak"?

Nothing Personal, It's Just Business

The following is a correspondence between myself and an old friend of mine who I shall refer to as B. for the purpose of anonymity. For the past few years B. and I have had some very interesting email discussions that I've always believed worthy of being displayed in a public forum. His comments appear first and my response appears below it.


Hello M.,

If you care to rake some muck and get yourself on a government watch list, (not that you aren't already for being associated with me) then I have a story for you I've been watching out of the corner of my eye.



As you know our dear, dear president Dumbya is dedicated to ending Tyranny in the world and spreading freedom. As you also know, it never occured to anyone to question our fraudulent election because no one would walk across the house to take a leak if it were a favor to John Kerry, even if they just drank a forty-dog. Instead, we left it to the Ukrainians and their "Orange Revolution" to set a better example for the world by really standing up for democracy and standing in the cold for weeks in support of the dioxin poisoned Victor Yushenko, who later won his run-off election and is now president. You also know that Dumbya's idea of spreading freedom is to use the CIA to foment revolution as it has been doing so well for half-a-century. It is also abundantly obvious that public opinion is being prepared for a war with Iran and Syria. Now if your world was a checker board, and you started in Turkey, you could jump over Syria, land in Iraq, jump Iran and land in Afghanistan and you've just picked up two checkers.



Now if you look back to 1953 it is well known and public domain, declassified info that the CIA went into Iran in 1953 and installed the Shah. We know how that turned out.



Fast forward to Lebanon, a tiny little country wedged between Israel, Syria and the Mediterranean. Twenty years ago, Jabba the Sharon was an Israeli General who massacred Lebanese and turned Beirut from a spa into a hell-hole over night. Last week, somebody whacked the former Prime Minister of Lebanon, and now, suddenly a revolution is being fomented. Syria has government agents embedded in Lebanon, and protects them from Israel. Syria is a closed society who in 2000 elected Bashar Al-Assad, a (then) 34 year old Ophthalmologist as president, simply because his Dad was Hafez, who reigned as "president" of Syria for 31 years, and was a member of the old guard that King Hussein of Jordan was a member of, when the whole of the Middle East was at war with Israel. The Arabs do dig that whole bloodline thing. Anyway, it seems abundantly clear to me, that they are starting something with Syria by destabilizing Lebanon. And lets not forget Egypt. Watch pseudo-dictator and consumer of American arms, Hosni Mubarak homina-homina his way around this situation. That's the wild card.

B.



Hey B.,

In regards to the middle East checker game, you already nailed the issue by addressing the fact that fomenting revolution on foreign soil is standard operating procedure. Teddy Roosevelt did it to get the Panama Canal built, Eisenhower did it to maintain United Fruit's profit margin and so on and so forth. As a nation we've become so desensitized to such acts of political subterfuge that we're able to comfortably sit back in our easy chairs and watch how it all went down on a History Channel retrospective, over a plate of nachos and a cold frosty one, without even batting an eyelash. What we're discussing here doesn't merit ending up on any government watch list, why waist the disk space? This is not an earth-shattering revelation that will spur the disenchanted masses to revolt against The Man. Everyone's too busy buying crap on Ebay, watching Oprah, pondering over JLo's lovelife or dropping loose change into the supermarket tsunami jar because the pubescent checkout girl's dirty look guilted them into it. Destabilize governments?...What, huh?...Not now, eating!

Agreed, there is an uncomfortable amount of cock-waving being performed in regards to military involvement in Iran and Syria. The idea is being proposed in small doses to the public and being swallowed by more than a few I would imagine. Logic would dictate that public opinion would sway towards an anti-war stance, especially as the body count of the present, seemingly endless war in Iraq increases. However, this is the same public that voted Bush into office for a second term (or a first, if you want to get technical. The 2000 election was a slight of hand trick worthy of Penn and Teller), so I'm at a loss as to what to predict. What I do know is that there is much cause for concern. I'm no biblical scholar but aren't Syria, Iran and Iraq located on the spot where Armageddon is supposed to happen?

M.R.

Bridge Burner

I OFFER THE FOLLOWING AS A PUBLIC SERVICE:

Somehow simply quitting a job you abhore isn't satisfying enough is it? A parting shot is in order, an exclamation point at the end of a soul-sapping experience. An inner cleansing designed to purge one of the collected bile that has been so diplomatically repressed throughout a horrific period of employment. A scathing resignation letter accomplishes this goal very effectively. Feel free to utilize the generic message I've provided below, I guarantee that a near orgasmic feeling of empowerment will wash over you, the likes of which you have never felt before:

To The Corporate Whore It May Concern,

It is with a sense of unbound joy that I gleefully announce my resignation from your fetid cesspool of serville degradation - My shackles are broken, I am at last free of your stifling tyranny. I officially denounce the avaricious cabal of bloated boardroom swine you deem to refer to as management. I condemn to an eternal, blistering cauldron of hellfire all who have so vampirically siphoned my talent and intelligence, claimed them as their own and left behind my lifeless husk to dry in the sun and be picked at like so much rotting carrion. My days of kissing the jewels of your sandaled feet have come to and end. I will no longer stand by impotently as your collective coffers swell as a result of the shedding of my precious sweat and the compromising of my dignity. May all things evil, vile and pestilent rain upon you for a thousand lifetimes. May you choke on the foul stench wafting from your own putrid, morally bankrupt souls. May a long, lingering, puss-spitting death await you all. Have a nice day and fuck you very much.

Yours Sincerely,

xxxx



DISCLAIMER: BRAINJOB is not reponsible for any action (Legal, physical or otherwise) taken by any recipient of the above stated letter, against its sender. Let's face it, it does come off as a little schizoid. You might also want to think twice about sending this letter if you're prone to second guessing yourself.